hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
