he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
