After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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