woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize