Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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