Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
