So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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