you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
