She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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