I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
