I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
