I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
