i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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