Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
