theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
