he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
