pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
