My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
