Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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