Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Randomize
