just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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