im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize