thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
