maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
