You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
