My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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