my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
