I wish I could punch you in the face.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
