I think I died a long time ago.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
