You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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