Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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