I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
