You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
