cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
