when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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