I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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