I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
