I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
