So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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