Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
