She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
