Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
