The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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