I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
