i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
