I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
