He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
