dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
