Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize