soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
