Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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