Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
