Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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