you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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