im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
