Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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