I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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