I wish life had little blips of pornography
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
