I hate all girls vehemently.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
