You really coming over, don't trick.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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