I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
