I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
