I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize