If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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