I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
