Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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