FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
True strength comes from lack of pants
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
