thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize