Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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